My name is Bass Hospital, M. D. I'm a psychiatrist staying at the Dooplebore Hotel. I'm the best at what I do. Which is making people talk.
Like, take this fella for example. He's gonna tell me everything he wants to tell and then everything I want to hear.
He looks nervous. I could make use of that.
[[look closely at the patient]]
[[open with easy small talk]]
[[poke at his nervousness]]He's in his mid 30's, neat looking with an expensive suit on. He's probably quite rich, which is an advantage for a money-grabbing shrink like myself. He's also quite nervous looking, like he's waiting for something bad to happen. He makes no eye contact and keeps looking at the door.
[[ask him to make eye contact]]"So, how long are you staying here?" I ask him in my usual calm and slightly creepy manner.
"Just through the weekend. I have to be on my way soon. Things to do, places to be, y'know."
He makes no eye contact and keeps looking at the door.
[[ask him to make eye contact]]
[[ask about his relationship with his mother]]"You look nervous", I tell him directly.
"Who, me? N-no... I'm not nervous. I'm just... waiting for someone."
[[poke at his nervousness again]]
[[ask who he's waiting for]]"My eyes are up here sunshine, " I sing-say cheerfully using my best impression of Audrey Hepburn. That seems to startle him and instantly fix his gaze on me. Another easy success in my flawless career. He stares at me defensively, breathing nervously. I casually take a sip of my drink, savoring his apparent discomfort. After a few moments, he manages to collect himself a bit and says:
"Well, uh... should we start?"
"Yes. We certainly should."
[[ask about his relationship with his mother]]
[[ask about what scares him]]"Listen." I say menacingly, instantly making him tremendously more uncomfortable.
"I'm a professional. I get paid serious money for what I do."
"I-I'm aware of that," he says with a bit of guilt. "Kinda I the reason I came to you, really".
He chuckles, awkwardly, trying to ease the moment. But oh no, we'll have none of that. My voice is firm.
"What I'm saying is, I can tell when someone is nervous. I really can. So there's no need lying to me. We're trying to have a therapy session here. Which isn't gonna work if you're lying. So if you want my advice... "
"Fine, fine. I'm nervous. I'm really nervous. Sorry... sorry for not being completely straight with you doc."
"Good. Now that we've established an honest, open communication..."
[[ask about his relationship with his mother]]
[[ask about what scares him]]"Well, you may laugh but-"
I let out a loud hearty laugh. He winces.
"It's a clown. A professional clown. I'm hiring him... or her, I actually don't know if it's him or her... Anyway I'm hiring one for my nephew's birthday. He happens to actually like clowns. So I need to talk to them about some details."
[[ask him about what's wrong with him]]"Let's start at the beginning," I say in a friendly-yet-invasive manner. "What's the deal with you and your mother?"
"Sorry, I'm not sure I uh-"
"Well, clearly there's some issue here. You wet your bed up into your teens and made her angry with that a lot, or maybe there's some unresolved sexual tension. Those things can really affect your life, you know?"
"I can tell you straight away that..."
"Please do tell me straight away what your relationship with your mother is. You're not gonna claim it's perfect, are you?"
"Well no, but there's nothing like the things you mentioned. We have our differences and our arguments, but our relationship is mostly very much a good one. We still keep in touch and-"
He shuffles uncomfortably. Regardless of whether there is anything really going on with his mother or not, the thoughts of such things has made him genuinely unsettled.
[[comfort him with a mother & daughter story]]
[[ask if he would prefer to grow up with two dads]]
[[ask if he would prefer to grow up in an orphanage]]
"What are your deepest fears?" I ask him with an authorative voice that always gets me the answers I'm looking for.
"Clowns", he replies immediately. "I'm afraid of clowns."
[[ask who he's waiting for]]"It's ok", I tell him. "I used to know a mother and daughter who had a... different relationship. If you know what I mean."
I wink at him which makes him blush.
"Am I making you uncomfortable."
"N-no, I just..."
"You're lying to me again."
"Sorry. Yeah, I'm kinda uncomfortable."
He stares curiously while I write random scribbles in my notebook pretending that I need it to remember what he said. I remember everything he said. It's just a tool for making him feel more awkward.
[[keep writing scribbles]]"Would you prefer to grow up with two dads?"
"No", he replies.
"Ok, cool. That's really all I needed to know."
I get up, don't say a word and just walk out the door.
[[go to my room]]
[[go to the toilet]]"So, would you have preferred if you grew up in an orphanage, abandoned by everyone you love?" I ask him in an intense tone.
"I, uh..." he mutters.
"WELL WOULD YOU?"
The intensity of the situation is too much for him and causes him to have a heart attack. He falls dead on the floor in an instant. I try to resuscitate him by giving him mouth to mouth but end up choking on his abnormally large tongue.
I'm dead now.
THE ENDI keep scribbling on and on. It starts with completely meaningless doodles. After all, I'm just pretending I have to write anything (or have anything to write about that sorry sack of bones, for that matter). But then, as it usually happens I get really into it. For a moment I nearly forget about my unlucky guest completely. My imagination wanders all over the page. One moment it's improvised fan art of Total Eclipse, my favorite Commodore 64 game, another it's a landscape where entire mountains are made out of pubes with cute little goats scuttling all over them. That one actually makes me very aroused. But trying to keep drawing while you're aroused for as long as you can keep going is fun. Then there's a drawing of my patient dismembered, lying in a pit filled with his own...
Oh right, the patient. He's still here. I look up at him. He looks mentally drained from sitting there and watching me scribble all this time.
[[ask him about Total Eclipse]]
[[ask him about what's wrong with him]]
[[accuse him of being insane]]I return to my room. Well, that's another case dealt with. In my room I meet a maid, who seems to have done some cleaning up.
"I was just leaving," she says politely, heading for the door.
[[vomit on her clothes]]
[[ask her to take a close look at the poster of a naked old man on my wall]]
[[undress, handcuff myself to the radiator and scream for help]]I go outside and you die of deadness.
THE END"Do you like Total Eclipse?" I say, enthusiastically.
"What's Total Eclipse?"
"The Commodore 64 videogame? It was made in 1989. It was really awesome."
He looks almost annoyed.
"I'm sorry doc, why should I care about some old-ass videogame?"
"Goodbye, " I say and walk out of the door.
[[go to my room]]
[[go to the toilet]]
[[go outside]]I open my mouth to ask a question but suddenly the universe implodes. But I don't die. I'm left floating around in vast nothingness for eternity to think about all the things I did right during my lifetime. There are lots of them because I am Bass Hospital M.D., the motherfucking greatest psychiatrist that ever lived.
And I keep on living in this void. Thinking. Shrinking.
[[turn back time and reconstruct the universe with sheer willpower->The start]]"My dear friend, I believe I have reached a conclusion."
"Yes. A diagnosis."
"Okay... What is it?"
I lean in to him and start whispering. I tell him things. Dirty, awful, things. The very the worst things I've ever done in my life. He listens, cringing and shuddering until he can take no more and he exclaims:
"So are you, my friend. "
I pat him on his shoulder and walk to the window outside. I break it with my fist. After admiring the view for a brief moment, I flash him a smile and walk out of the window, disappearing from his life and my own as I fall down the height of 10 floors.
Lived with style, exited with style. That's what my gravestone says. At least I like to think so. Can't really say I give a shit. I've had fun. That's all what matters to me.
THE ENDAh, the restroom. I'm not sure if it's actually a men's room or a ladies' room. I never check. What matters is the people. I think I can hear somebody in one of the stalls preparing themselves for defecation.
Time to have some fun.
[[go to the next stall and pretend to make out with somebody]]
[[just stand silently in front of the stall door]]The maid is startled. But her experience with this kind of thing allows her to quickly wipe away her surprise before disgust can kick in and the professionalism surfaces instead:
"Sir, are you alright? Should I call a doctor?"
"Oh I'm fine, sweetheart, you on the other hand have vomit all over yourself."
"It's fine," she actually gives me a smile. "I'll deal with this. You probably should rest, sir."
"And you know what you should do?"
"As Agilulf said to Theodelinda once: lick it off."
She frowns. The obvious reference escapes her.
"Oh, fuck me. The italian king and his wife? You stupid uneducated people make me //sick//. Just leave me alone already unless you want another round."
She promptly follows my advice giving me one of the nastiest looks I've gotten in my life.
That made really irritated me and almost ruined my fun there. When I'm irritated I start to really want to pee.
[[go to the toilet]]I point her to the portrait of naked Sigmund Freud.
"He sure is attractive, sir," the maid replies cheerfully.
I warble in joy.
We start talking about things, one thing leads to another...
Fast forward 10 years and we're in a marriage out of dreams. We have fun, understanding, intimacy. It's all there.
But then she learns about my past and what kind of things I've done in my life. She poisons me three nights after. "I'm sorry, I've always been a bit of a vigilante at heart. I can't endanger any more people by allowing you to live." she whispers to me sadly as I convulse on the floor and the best moments we've had together flash before my eyes.
It's been a good life.
THE ENDI undress myself while making porn music noises with my mouth, handcuff myself to the radiator and start screaming frantically. The maid runs off, shuts the sound proof door and no one hears of me ever again.
THE ENDI get inside the stall next to the occupied one and start making kissing and moaning noises. Soon I start to hear silent fapping sounds coming from the stall next to me. This enrages me, as I was hoping to create an awkward moment but instead brought this random person pleasure. So I rush through the other stall's door and shove the guy's head into the shitty toilet until he drowns in his own excrement. I feel empowered. I am victorious.
YOU WIN! GAME OVER!I go stand next to the only occupied bathroom stall and just stand there for a bit. I can hear that the person occupying the stall has stopped breathing for a while and is listening to my every move intently, waiting for me to go away. I stay still for a little longer.
I can hear the person ripping a piece of toilet paper from the roll very slowly, trying to keep as little noise as possible so that I wouldn't hear he's taking a shit in there.
But I know.
[[ask him about his relationship with his mother]]
[[ask him not to make so much noise]]"... //what?// Just go away."
10 minutes pass.
"Will you go away?" His voice cracks as he says it.
"I will get my answer."
There is a deep long sigh inside the stall.
"I fuck her every day. Together with yours. We have a threesome. Now leave me alone and let me shit in peace you sick fuck."
There's a sound of sadness in his voice. A desperate sadness. I like that sound.
I stand there for 3 more hours. Motionless, silent. His pleads and sighs are lost on me. He's ready to open the door and face me. I'm ready... I thought was ready for whatever happens next but as life would have it I'm not.
A young lady wearing a hoodie enters the restroom. I pay her no heed even though she's probably in the men's room. It turns out to be a fatal mistake. She knifes me in the kidney in order to mug me for the `$25.50` I had in my pocket, which she succeeds at splendidly. In my last moments I see the shaking legs of the man sitting on the toilet, probably praying that she ignores him. She does, after all he didn't see her.
I watch her feet walk away and disappear outside.
I expire on the cold toilet floor next to a man taking a dump.
THE ENDI ask him not to make so much noise. I can feel the exhilarating aura of embarassement that fills the room. It feels amazing. I start knocking on the door and shouting at him.
"Keep it down in there!" I yell from the top of my lungs.
He stays as quiet as ever but I can hear as he starts to shiver in a mixed feeling of fear and extreme awkwardness. I get an erection.
I start humping the door with my now erect man tool and shouting obscenities and demanding his silence constantly. I keep at it for about five minutes until he finally conjures the courage to rush out of the stall. The door hits my penis so hard I pass out.
When I finally wake up there is blood everywhere. I'm just barely conscious. I look down and see my penis is completely ruptured. As I bleed out and things start to fade into darkness, only one thought passes my mind. I choose to transfom that thought into my last words.
"Totally worth it", I exclaim before my heart stops.
I'm dead. And I don't even mind.